


I have but my deepest regrets

by jotxzir



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past, Regrets, Sad, Tsukishima Kei-centric, bear with this and me, i also love angst, i love tsukki as much as he loves dinosaurs, im writing this in the dark bc it wouldnt leave my head, its 130am, reflecting feelings, someone give him a break
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 21:52:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10862811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotxzir/pseuds/jotxzir
Summary: "He’s more or less over it, but, it still played a big role in his life."





	I have but my deepest regrets

He remembers a lot of that day. You know, the day he found out the truth.. 

It’s not like he wants to constantly remember it, Kei doesn’t always think about it either. Sometimes the memory or feeling just comes to him, Like if Akiteru is visiting, or when he sees the pictures of him and his brother when they were younger downstairs. 

Yes. He remembers, of course he does. It’s not like he can forget that easily. He’s more or less over it, but, it still played a big role in his life. Did it give him trust issues? Yeah, probably. His feelings over the situation haven’t changed. He doesn’t understand why it happened, or what it meant at the time. 

He remembers a lot of the incident, but there’s some things he doesn’t remember, for instance, he does remember him and Yamaguchi getting there, he remembers finding a seat. They were a little bit late and the game had already started. Yes, he remembers that. 

But

What he doesn’t remember is that other boy suddenly being there, was he with them the whole time? 

He doesn’t remember desperately looking around the court for his brother, but he remembers the panicking feeling. He remembers everything being in black in white. Kei remember hearing static. 

He doesn’t remember the boy from the other class yell at him, he only remembers meeting his older brother’s eyes, he remembers the horrified look on Akiteru’s face. 

Or how he doesn’t remember leaving the gym stadium at all, but remembers Tadashi ramming straight into the back of him, sobbing, when they were outside. He remembers the freckled boy muttering an apology, because he remembers how he didn’t understand why Yamaguchi was apologizing to him. 

He seems to remember all the feelings, no matter how fast they went nor how confusing they were, but that’s fine. 

He knows after that, he didn’t want to go home, so he went to Yamaguchi’s house. He doesn’t know what they did when they got there, it all seemed to be a blur, sped up in a static screen. 

He remembers laying down in the dark, Tadashi getting in the small bed to lay next to him and pulling him into his embrace. He remembers just bawling, the anguishing feeling he had been holding back for that day hitting him in the face like a ton of bricks. 

He’s really thankful Tadashi was there throughout all of it, he wouldn’t have made It out alive if he was alone, maybe that’s why he loves the other so much. 

 

He recalls not telling his mom that he went to Yamaguchi’s, so he doesn’t know how his mom was there to pick him up the next day. 

He had gotten in the car with her, the tension had been thick but he doesn’t remember anything of the car ride home but the feeling of dread. He hadn’t wanted to go home. He didn’t want to see Akiteru.

And he didn’t, when he had gotten home that day, his older brother wasn’t anywhere around. He had thought he’d be relieved, not having to face him just yet. But, it had the opposite effect on him. He didn’t get any relief, he felt choked up, like someone was strangling him. It made him see that that’s how it was. 

Everything had changed. 

A few months later and Akiteru had been getting ready for college, still, neither of them had talked about it. Every time they were near each other, it always felt like there was words left unsaid, while there actually is words and feelings that were unvoiced.. most of the time the feeling got too suffocating for them both, so one of them eventually left the room. 

Kei regrets a lot throughout the months Akiteru was preparing for college. He could have potentially called out to his older brother, he could have reconciled, but he didn’t. And even if theyre okay now, he still suffered for a while. Things could still be different.

When Akiteru left, he remembers locking himself in his room. He doesn’t remember anything of what he did in his room, but he remembers Yamaguchi being there, asking him to say goodbye. He remembers his mom knocking on his door and asking him to say goodbye. He remembers her reluctant retreat as she left his bedroom door without a response. 

He felt as though he wasn’t a real person. Like he was some viewer, unable to choose a path for the person he was watching. He had wanted to go down, hug his brother, apologize. But he wasn’t that type of person, and the fear of what would happen if he actually did was holding him back. 

Yamaguchi had understood that Tsukki wasn’t going to go down, and had given up on trying to coax him to go down. He had just sat with him, and at the time, it had subconsciously made Kei feel better.

He remembers the feeling of helplessness that came over him when he heard the car drive away. He felt like every emotion he had been feeling that day just stopped. The static took over, and he felt numb. 

What he really thinks back on during that is how his brother didn’t try that day either. 

 

And whenever he thinks about all this stuff, he just continues throughout his middle school days. 

He had picked up a bad habit after Aki left, he was on summer vacation between his first and second year of middle school, and that bad habit was self-harm. He doesn’t remember why he started at all. It’s hazy when he tries to think back to it. 

By the time he finally entered his second year of middle school, his entire right leg looked shredded. He hadn’t told anyone because he told himself it was none of their business, and if they were concerned or worried they could just ask him straight out. 

Yamaguchi ended up finding out over winter break that year, he remembers the freckled boys expression very well, shock and guilt. Tadashi ended up confessing to Kei throughout the chaos of that day, and they got together. I mean it’s only natural. They do love each other. 

The only thing Kei finds weird is that Yamaguchi never asked him to promise to stop, he remembers him saying “I don’t like to see you do this to yourself.” After he saw Tsukishima’s hips at gym a few months later. By then, he had already ruined both of his legs and upwards on his hips. 

Kei wouldn’t say it was for control that he did it, it was more of an escape. An escape from the small box he shoved himself into. No one seemed to understand that, though. 

A few months before they started high school he ended up not cutting anymore. He didn’t just drop it, it just slowly faded out of his routine. It wasn’t helping anymore and he knew it would only get worse if he tried to make it that way. Tadashi was happy for him, and he was content for the moment. 

He was fine for a while, there wasn’t any harsh thoughts, or static. Everything went by a blur. What he remembers next is when his and Yama’s Karasuno uniform’s arrived. He suddenly realized just how real everything was. He was going to the school that made what happened, happen.

He, honestly, didn’t even want to go to Karasuno after what had happened. But, something made him. Whether it was because Tadashi wanted to go, or if it was because he wanted to prove a point. Didn’t matter, in the end he ended up going. 

His brother had showed up the week before he started highschool. Akiteru did his best to not to seem like there was anything wrong between the two of them, it sucked, Tsukishima had yearnings to talk about what happened. But they never did, really. 

 

He started high school at Karasuno with little to no problems, the people there are annoying but that’s to be expected, right?

 

Joining the volleyball club seemed to be the hardest part so far. He didn’t know if he wanted to even join, but when Yamaguchi walked over with the two application forms, he couldn’t just say no. 

The training camp in Tokyo was hard. He managed, learned a few new things, so it was okay. 

What was really okay was the talk he had in his backyard with his brother when he got home. 

“You wanna know why I’m still playing volleyball after what happened in highschool right? …Well it’s because of what happened in highschool.”

His brother had said that, and the tension just seemed to leave. He knew they’d never be able to fully talk about what happened

So that answer was good enough for him.

**Author's Note:**

> ugh was this bad? it's one of those ones that come in during ur head at night and wont leave. ive been writing for an hour now. bye. pls comment and kudos to make me happy


End file.
